SmashWiki:April Fools'/New Donk Barrelers

The primary logo of the New Donk Barrelers.

The New Donk Barrelers are a professional baseball team based in New Donk City. The Barrelers compete in Nintendo League Baseball (NLB) as a member of the Yokoi Division, playing at New Donk Stadium. The team was created in 1988 as a founding member of the NLB.

History

1988: The NLB is born

As the Local Bitwise Group slowly formed during the 1980's, a desire for friendly competitions also formed. While several sports were suggested to be the first interuniversal league, baseball was eventually settled upon due to the relative ease in finding enough skilled players. Four cities agreed to form franchises using local grassroots talent, with the expectation that in a few years there would be more stringent and fair-play rules for rosters.

As the region's natural city to host a team, New Donk City held a contest to choose the team's name from three choices: Barrelers, Browns, or Helmet-Heads. The first option won handily.

In their inaugural season, the Barrelers had a tough start, losing their first three series to the Hyrule Warriors, San Francisco Marines, and Palutena's Archers. Before the first game of the next series versus the Warriors, the team's catcher Ned Koopdall held a players-only meeting, which famously bolstered the team into a twelve-game winning streak. The Barrelers held strong from there and finished the season 36-27, good for second place and a spot in the first NLB championship. Their opponents were the 43-20 Warriors, who defeated them with an aggregate score of 76-59 over the 13-game series.

1989-1993: The first dynasty

The Barrelers had a more even-keeled 1989 season, ending up with a very similar 37-26 record with a general lack of long winning or losing streaks. Finishing second place once again, their opponents in the championship this time were the Marines, who had gone 40-23. The series was hard-fought, with every game decided by three runs or less. When the final game began, the Barrelers were down by two runs, so they had to win by three or more to take the title. Gabon Hattingly's grand slam in the top of the 4th inning was the decider, leading the Barrelers to a 6-1 win and the NLB championship.

The 1990 season had all the makings of a repeat champion. The Barrelers tore through the league's pitching with the three-headed offensive monster of Gabon Hattingly, Plessie Garfield, and Sandy Jarr. Ending the year with a record of 46-17, the Barrelers were the runaway favorite to overcome the Marines again. But in game 3, controversy struck. Barrelers left-fielder Goombell Dryington dove for and caught a fly ball in foul territory, but it was ruled that he had dropped his glove on the dive, and the play was called "no catch". Under rule 5.09(a)(1)(A), it is up to the nearest umpire's discretion as to whether a species with abstract appendages has possession of their catching glove. On the very next pitch, Sammy Corn socked a mammoth 452-foot homer that kickstarted a twelve-run inning, burning the Barrelers' bullpen for the remainder of the series. The Marines went on to embarrass the Barrelers and cause a fan campaign to force all Goombas to wear long sleeves.

The following three years were the Barrelers' golden age: three consecutive 50-win seasons, each one capped by an easy championship win against each other team on the league. They swept most series, and never lost a game by more than two runs. It was a complete team performance, with no one player standing out from any other. There was naturally a ring of cheating allegations that followed, but none of them gained any real traction, and the other teams agreed they were simply that much better.

1994-1998: The cold steel grip of mediocrity

The 1994 season looked like it might be yet another easy sweep for the Barrelers. There were some warning signs: three consecutive seven-run losses, regression in Crom Monke's ability to close out games, and rumors of locker room fights over petty things such as bubblegum flavors. Facing the Marines in the championship, the Barrelers slowly fell apart, with a good start but performing worse each game. The final aggregate score was 63-60 in the Marines' favor, sending the Barrelers back down to the land of "did not win".

Injuries then ravaged the team the next year. In the very first defensive inning of the season, Sandy Jarr tore his ACL on a non-contact play, and would not return until August. The Barrelers set league records for players used in 1995, never hitting their stride at any point during the season. They were lucky the Warriors completely bottomed out, saving them the third-place position.

The next two years were fairly forgettable. The 1996 Barrelers found themselves in a close race to make the playoffs, successfully sweeping the Warriors in the final series of the year to pass them for second place, but proceeded to get blown out by the Marines in the championship series. The 1997 Barrelers had more awful injury luck, finishing in last place of the league - a string that didn't hurt quite as much because it was only by a single game. NLB expanded in 1998, doubling in size and placing the Barrelers in the newly-founded Yokoi Division. With their championship rival Marines in the division, plus the new Jinjo Juggernaughts and Fourside Blue Sox, the Barrelers believed they had good odds of making it back to the playoffs. But with their on-base machine Robby Abitu stolen by the Blue Sox in the expansion draft, New Donk found themselves trapped in third place in the division almost the entire season, never getting close to any other placing.

1999-2002: Good, but never good enough

The 1999 Barrelers were neck-and-neck with the Marines for the division lead across the entire season, headlined by New Donk's own Heiho Martinet picking up a win in all but 2 of his starts. In the end, they edged out the Marines to win the division by three games. Unfortunately, Martinet completely botched the first game of their playoff series, allowing 6 runs to the Marines in the first inning and overworking the bullpen as a result. They proceeded to lose the series 3-1.

The new millennium was an easier season, but with the same result. The Barrelers sat with the division lead for the last four months of the year with a well-rounded pitching staff. But once the playoffs began, they lost their run support, the bats only scoring 2 runs in each of the four games against the Blue Sox. 2001 was the same story: a successful regular season and easy division win, but a loss in the one series that mattered, once again against the Blue Sox.

2002 was a dissapointing year before it even started: the Juggernaughts failed to impress a kickball-obsessed audience and relocated to become the Altea Dragons, killing what Donker fans were building up to be a natural rival. The Barrelers had an okay season, coasting into a second-place finish and meeting the Blue Sox in the playoffs. The series was very close, every game decided by one run with three of them going to extras, but in the end the Sox prevailed.

2003-2006: The dark ages

The Barrelers seemed to rebound well from the heartache of 2002, reaching the midway point of the season on a nine-game winning streak to approach the Dragons' division lead. But then the team slowed down and the Marines charged, making it a tense few days as the Barrelers' playoff position shrunk down to a mere single game. But there it remained, and the team made it in - perhaps to their detriment, as the Dragons pulverised them in three straight to the tune of 53-6 total runs.

Things only got worse from there. The Barrelers sat in the basement of the league for three straight seasons, with each year having its own brand of futility: they never had a .500 record in 2004, they only won four series in all of 2005, and in 2006, they completely bottomed out and only won 17 games. During this time, the team eventually cleaned house of their entire management staff, and only half of their players were still on the team for the upcoming 2007 season.

2007-2010: New league, new hopes

The 2007 expansion of NLB reshuffled the divisions. While the Barrelers and Blue Sox remained in the Yokoi Division, the Goldenrod Goldeen replaced the Marines, and the expansion Mute City Slickers replaced the Dragons. The Barrelers feasted on the basement-dwelling Slickers, winning all 15 games against them, helping propel the team to second place in the division and the first wild card team in the new playoff format. Unfortunately for them, being the wild card team meant they faced the top team, the Popstar Smashers, and proceeded to be swept without mercy.

The following year only brought more pain to fans. The Goldeen could not be caught for the division lead, leading only the sole wild card spot to fight for. With the final series of the season upon them, the Barrelers had to win three games against the Blue Sox, and hope the Hocotate Hundred failed to win two against Hyrule over in the Tezuka Division. New Donk did their job, but the Hundred eked out a close win of their last game of the year, leaving Donker fans with a bitter final game with nothing to play for.

The 2009 season was a year riddled with bizzare injuries. Sorii Hunter cut his hand trying to catch a falling knife, taking the team's defense with him due to their lack of good farmhands to call up from the Toad Town Truckers. Nottin Lesseau fell through a glass table in his sleep due to a spider nightmare. Chu Choo-Choo strained his oblique by sneezing too hard. And W. I. Upman lost half the season because he tore his ACL taking off his shoes. It was almost a miracle that the Barrelers salvaged a third-place finish out of the season.

Things got back to normal in 2010, with the Barrelers improving enough to secure the wild card spot with a week left in the season. The top team this year was the Diamond City Demolishers of the Iwata Division, which the Barrelers had success playing against all season, winning 7 of their 9 contests. But this time, the Demolishers came out on top, winning the series in six close games.

2011-2013: The second threepeat

The 2011 season was a tough test for the Barrelers. Most of their starting roster was out for at least some part of the year, so the team struggled with chemistry and never hit their stride until late. But they finally came together in the final month and got hot, making it to the playoffs as the wild card team against the Corneria Aces. The series was hard-fought, ending with a final game where Marco Polo plated 6 RBIs to secure the Barrelers their first chance at the NLB championship since before expansion. They then faced the Blue Sox for the title, who were never in doubt as the top team in the league this year. With a combination of Polo's bat and Koopison Rumpgardener's nasty pitches, the Barrelers outlasted the Blue Sox in a full nine-game thriller series capped by a 12-11 barn-burner at Henway Park.

New Donk only got better the next year., with the arrival of Jim Mississauga in free agency adding another killer stick to the lineup. They took an early division lead and kept it for most of the season, ending the year five games up on the Blue Sox. As the league's second-best division winner, they faced the third-best in the playoffs, the old rival Marines. The Barrelers disposed of them in five games, most of which were wins of four runs or more. They then moved on to face the Warriors for the championship. Fans who were hoping for a good series were disappointed; the Warriors' ace Hal Frees was struck by a comebacker in the second inning of his start in the first game, which necessitated bringing in too many relievers and torching the bullpen for the rest of the series. The Barrelers won easily in six games.

Expectations were high in 2013, and players across the league knew it, with the team attracting many good free agents looking for another threepeat. Barreler fans were not disappointed. New Donk steamrolled through the NLB, clocking up a disgusting 88-29 record, with practically every player having a career year. Basically every caster and pundit had them a lock to win the title by the halfway point. The playoffs went just as everyone expected, with New Donk crushing the Goldeen in four games and the Aces in six. The single loss against the Aces, in the first game of the nine-game series, was widely panned by the fans as being fixed by the league due to the umpire's strike zone many say was shaped like a carrot.

2014-2018: The "terrible teens"

Unable to pay all their players after exceeding all expectations the previous few seasons, the Barrelers had to let high-skill talents and fan-favourites go to other teams. Fans expected a return to earth compared to the threepeat, and this is exactly what happened - New Donk fought hard the whole year but could never catch the Goldeen for the division lead, and in the final game of the year lost the wild card to the Smashers. Disappointment was had, but the pieces were still there for another run.

The 2015 season looked very good at the outset; the Barrelers built up a massive division lead by the halfway point of the year and looked all but unstoppable. Some fans were worried that the underlying numbers were unsustainable, given the team's expected record given their runs for and against was basically .500, so some regression was expected. Instead, the team completely collapsed, losing almost every series in the second half and falling out of the playoffs by five games. By the end of the year, fans had taken to booing the Barrelers off the field.

The next three years were pure torture for the Donker fans. 2016 involved the Barrelers rolling around as a middling .500 team most of the year, only to make a late push for the playoffs that brought renewed hope before falling short. 2017 was a lesser repeat of 2015, with the team leading the division for most of the year but falling behind in the last two months, making the Barrelers the league's laughing stock. And 2018 was arguably the worst of all: with most of the coaching staff being replaced already and many players being traded, they were always just slightly behind the Blue Sox the entire season, yet their division was the weakest and they never got a sniff of the wild card position.

2019-2022: A fresh outlook

NLB expanded again in 2019, putting the Diamond City Demolishers and Boondopolis Billionaires in the Barrelers' division, while keeping the rival Blue Sox. Given they had already overhauled their personnel recently, New Donk was lucky enough to not lose any major players in the expansion draft, though they did lose Fattyay Bovina to the free-spending Torigoth Tigers in free agency. The team had a fairly average year but did well against their division, earning them second place and a spot in the playoffs. They faced the Aces and went home disappointed in a hard-fought series where they only won the first game.

The Barrelers' 2020 season was spookily average. The team never got more than three games over or under .500 the entire year, found themselves dead center in almost every statistical category, and ended up with an almost perfect 76-77 record (fans complained about the odd number of games for months afterward). This wasn't good enough in the Yokoi Division, with both the Blue Sox and Demolishers having 90-win seasons, and so there were no playoffs.

2021 saw an improved New Donk squad, hovering at second place in their division most of the season. But the Blue Sox had their number all year, routing them 12-3 in the season series, hurting their playoff seed just enough that they would face the Inkopolis Swaggers. The Swaggers had gotten hot at the right time, charging through the Koizumi Division to take the title late, and looked to be a tough test for the Barrelers. In fact, New Donk was no match, being cast aside in five games by Timmin Inkman and his deadly slider.

The 2022 season was a painful retread of 2021. Despite having a better start, the Blue Sox were even better, and could not be caught. The Barrelers made the playoffs with a comfortable 94-59 record and prepared for a tight series against the Yoshi Mob Club of Baseball. They did not get one; they were blown away in four straight games by a combination of Gladimir Burrito Jr.'s five homers and Edwing Seeaz's two blown saves. A photograph of Penn Coppersmith pouting in the dugout went viral immediately after the final game, mostly though the YMCB's massive social media following.

Current roster

Given statistics are for the 2022 NLB season. Only players on the 26-man roster as of December 1st 2022 are listed. The WAR metric used is swWAR.

Position players

No.	Player	Position	BA	OBP	RBI	HR	BB	K	WAR
2	Alex Endman	3B	.256	.365	91	23	86	79	4.4
12	Hyle Booarber	LF	.214	.321	95	47	85	203	2.3
16	Flicker Rupees	CF	.226	.275	34	7	17	102	1.8
19	Timmy Deman	SS	.267	.325	58	13	45	111	6.3
22	Tom Phan	RF	.239	.322	42	13	43	98	0.5
23	Wyle Garlic	OF	.231	.282	18	8	8	50	0.2
25	Lyvin Moore	UT	.222	.365	23	5	33	77	1.2
27	Melvin Oldman	2B	.278	.318	25	3	15	47	1.0
28	Fatt Bowlson	1B	.239	.322	101	32	77	173	3.3
30	Alexander Sisko	C	.289	.374	64	15	65	56	4.0
46	Penn Coppersmith	DH	.313	.399	112	36	74	148	7.3
51	Louie "Immovable" Gonzalez	OF	.250	.322	35	4	29	76	0.2
83	Spiky Lebleu	IF	.261	.321	10	4	13	50	0.8

Pitchers

No.	Player	Role	W-L/SV-BS	OBA	ERA	BB/9	K/9	WHIP	WAR
4	Lake Shell	SP	8-10	.214	3.33	3.3	12.3	1.233	2.3
32	Ronaa Roupe	RP	1-5	.235	3.88	3.5	7.9	1.229	-0.9
39	Edwing Seeaz	CL	32-3	.161	1.26	2.7	17.3	0.816	3.0
40	Koopison Rumpgardener	SP	8-15	.288	4.78	2.8	6.5	1.347	-0.7
45	Fad Boxyburger	RP	1-7	.222	2.93	3.7	9.7	1.234	1.1
49	Wendall Digmann	RP	6-6	.250	3.16	3.7	9.0	1.400	1.0
54	Kirby Threed	RP	1-2	.309	5.88	4.5	7.0	1.755	-0.7
56	Zap Elfilin	SP	3-5	.240	4.04	1.8	7.9	1.123	0.8
58	Claus Gillbreath	RP	0-2	.242	4.20	5.5	10.5	1.365	0.7
62	Lynel De Los Ploymus	RP	1-1	.209	3.07	2.9	10.2	1.075	0.7
70	Skyler Koopander	SP	5-11	.277	4.76	2.3	5.3	1.311	-0.4
77	Luigi Grazie	SP	15-8	.222	3.71	2.7	9.1	1.112	1.4
90	Goomam Timber	RP	4-4	.249	2.81	1.6	7.5	1.111	0.8

Bench

No.	Staff	Position
74	Jen Kennings	Manager
50	Chuck Brown	Bench Coach
8	Whacka Whacka	Hitting Coach
5	Chuck Ster	Pitching Coach
66	Oeuf Lickfoot	1B Coach
3	Stanley Gulch	3B Coach
48	Luck Martini	BP Catcher
88	Tubba Lard	BP Catcher
87	Eggens Fruitheel	Staff Assistant